Okay, continuing onto my personal experience…
Looking back, I realize the way I approached "Church Shopping" when I was single was pretty misguided and if I could go back and change the way I "did" church when I was single, I totally would.
After college I took part in an internship at my church. In response to a question that essentially asked what might be offered in the future for young adults, I heard a pastor say that the focus of their church was "young families." Being a twenty-something single woman, I suddenly felt less welcome. I realize his answer may not have been received as it was intended, but how am I supposed to grow and be fully engaged somewhere that doesn't purport to care about someone my age? (Unless I’ve got some bling and the future potential for a bun in the oven and then they wanted me! {Okay, maybe I’m still a little jaded by that experience, but I think some of you empathize})
So some Sundays I went to my old church because I was still committed to serving and but I was visiting other churches as well. Then suddenly, I was contacted because my old church had a generous couple who had adult children who were interested in helping start a young-adult small group. They had agreed that once the group was on its feet, they would step back and let us continue on. I jumped at the opportunity and a very strong singles group was formed that represented at least five different churches (totally a God thing). I made great friends, we had fun outings, we met up with singles groups from other churches and our focus was on the study. It was amazing! We didn’t do the "Jesus was single too" or "How to be a Whole Person While Waiting for Your Other Half" type of studies (I know those studies have their merit and that some benefit greatly from them, but quite honestly, I enjoyed delving into other topics. And the few times I did attend a study with that sort of topic it usually got, well, depressing.). Wondering what happened to this amazing group? It fell prey to one of the inherent “issues” that ends singles groups...marriage…and without further support from the church, the group dissolved. The end of this group was what finally truly sent me "Church Shopping."
I wanted to find a church where felt like I was part of something and I wanted friends. No, really. (Yeah, I heard you say "Riiiiiight. Maybe ‘friends’ of the male persuasion.”) I really was happy being single. A relationship would have been great, but really, I just wanted some people to connect with who were in my stage of life.
That sent me on a mission - to find a church with a thriving young adult group. Because they have to be out there!
Okay.
Did I give you enough time to guffaw and roll your eyes? I mean really. If you have EVER looked for a church with a great young adult group, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I decided to look at church websites to find churches had anything for singles or young adults. I was able to find a few that vaguely mentioned the words "Young Adult," "Career" or "Singles." However, dig a little deeper or visit the church and you quickly realized the group is now defunct (a MySpace page with the last picture posted in 2003?), a "group for those in college and early twenties" (read freshman in college whose parents are making them come because they are home), mixed generations (10 people ranging from 18 to 40), for single parents (not quite the "looking to go out on the weekends and talk about the cute guy with some new friends" demographic I was looking for), and...well...you get the picture.
What was the end result of my searching? I found a church with a singles ministry, but in the end, I didn't really get involved with it. The group ended up being one that had "mixed ages" for the study (with boys and girls, excuse me, women and men not allowed to sit at the same tables) and while the people were nice and the study was not single focused, I just couldn't get over the Jr. High vibe of men and women not being able to study together (yes, I understand not everyone is comfortable sharing in mixed groups, but it was very awkward when the study ended and I noticed that women and men still weren't talking to each other). I did go to lunch after church a time or two and did a service project and it was fine, but it just never "clicked." I will give it to them though. They were actually doing something to create a singles community within the church. They also divided the groups by generations for some events (while allowing those close in age to a different generation to go to the one that “wasn’t quite theirs” if that’s where they were most comfortable). There was even a singles minister for a while. For the church as a whole, the worship was spot on and I learned from the teaching so I stayed. I'm glad I did.
Okay, so again, this post is probably long enough but I’m not quite done. I still want to share why I think my approach to “Church Shopping” and church itself was a bit selfish and misguided and what I would do differently so there will be another post coming soon.
I know there are those who have issues with the church. The church is not perfect; it’s flawed, humans are involved. This is not a critique toward any church specifically or the church in general. I’m just sharing my experience and what I would change with the hope that maybe it will help someone.
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