Singles in the Church: Part 1

Based on the title, you already know this is a deeper topic then I've delved into before on my blog but the hubs and I were chatting yesterday and I realized, I have something I want to share.  And I never thought I’d write a post with multiple parts but this post would be waaaay too long without it.

I think in some ways, the current set up of the church has led us to expect there to be something for us when we’re young and single.  There is the nursery, then children’s church, then youth group, then we “graduate” from youth group and (often but not always) go to college.  If you are in a college town, chances are you will find a church that (at least during the school year) has a college group. During the summers, you go home and you see all your youth group friends at church.  Then you graduate college and you just naturally expect there to be a group just for single young adults.  We don’t just comfortably assimilate into the church as an adult. (I mean, I’m 27, married and still don’t feel very adult at times, so how was I supposed to feel like an adult at 21?)  We want to be able to connect to people in our life stage, which is totally natural! However, we want this with minimal effort.  We just want there to be another group for us.  This seems to provide a quandary for many churches.  How do you minister to this demographic?

Young adult singles as a larger presence in the church is still a rather new phenomenon. It's only in recent years that so many people are remaining single until they are older.  Whatever the reason for the shift, churches still haven't quite figured out what to do with those "Young Adult College and Career Singles." The options range from “pretend they don’t exist and maybe they’ll go away because they just want to change things” to the less common occurrence of hiring a singles minister and developing a plan for how to reach singles in every stage (single, divorced, widowed).  Often, even if a church does get something going, there are a few inherent “issues” with singles groups:

• Singles go to singles groups to meet other singles.  When singles meet, relationships are bound to form.  If the relationship doesn't work out, both parties usually feel awkward returning to a group when their only purpose was to meet other singles and so they don't return.  Leaving two people searching for a new church - despite how much they may have felt like they were growing and being fed in the church
• Singles meet and it goes really well.  They get married.  They leave the group.  This is great…for them.  But it seems the ones who get married were the ones who were keeping things going so once they're married and they want to connect with other married couples (as they should) and leave the group, there isn’t a clear leader.  (Not to mention the fact that while dating, the couple has the awkward task of being happily in love while attempting to not rub it in the faces of those that wish they were them...which is usually unsuccessful to some degree).
• Remembering why many go to church singles groups, the focus isn’t really on what’s being studied.  You worry more about your makeup than the verse you were supposed to memorize, the guy you think is cute keeps talking to that cute girl so does that mean he likes her and the new guy comes in and suddenly all the girls are flocking to him. You get the picture.  The focus is off.  It’s not about connecting to God with others in your life stage, it’s about hoping to meet that special someone.
• The  group is awesome and it grows.  The people who get married don’t want to leave the group so they stay.  The group grows and young adults regardless of marital status start joining the group.  The group turns into an awesome young adult group.  The couples have kids. Non-young-adults start joining the group. This group evolves into a new church body.

This is just my perspective, of course, but based on my experience and the experience of others out there they seem to be rather common outcomes.  This is not to say there aren’t successful singles ministries but they take work and a solid, consistent commitment from the church.

I’m not saying that I don’t think singles groups are good.  I they can serve a great purpose and there’s no reason that people shouldn’t be ministered to in every stage of life.  However, I think that sometimes we, as individuals, are more focused on looking for a singles group than seeking a church where we can be a productive member.

So, that’s quite a bit for now, so I’ll delve into my personal experience soon.

I know there are those who have issues with the church. The church is not perfect; it’s flawed, humans are involved.  This is not a critique toward any church specifically or the church in general. I’m just sharing my experience and what I would change with the hope that maybe it will help someone.