Singles in the Church: Part 3

If you haven’t yet, check out Singles in the Church: Part 1 and Singles in the Church:Part 2

With all that being said, I realize now how selfish and misguided my approach to being part of a church body as a single person really was.

Why do I think my search was selfish?  When I was looking for a church, I wanted something tailor made and ready for me.  I wanted to join a group already in place that would allow me to fulfill my spiritual and social needs.  I didn’t want to have to make any effort.  I wanted there to be a Bible Study and events all lined up and ready to go.  I wanted to go to a group, sit a table with only people my own age and have new friends by the end of the month. I wasn’t thinking about how I could use my gifts in the church, how I might grow spiritually at the church; I was only thinking about whether or not the church was going to meet my needs in a very specific way with no effort on my part.  

Why do we think we need a specific group just for single young single adults before we can get involved in a church?  I know for many, they feel like marriage is when you are officially ushered into being a full participant in the church. Totally false!  Singles usually have more to offer to the church!  Without a spouse or children, you have more free time and the ability to do with your resources and talents as you please.  You are totally valuable to the church as you are! If you don't feel that way in your church, then maybe it is time to start searching for a church where you will grow and be valued.  (Don't just jump ship though, if you're comfortable doing so, talk to others about your concern and how you feel.  Maybe they think they are doing a great job and you coming to them would help them do a better job at making singles feel valued.)

There are lots of ways to be involved in the church and many of them would offer opportunities to get to know lots of people and even potentially other singles.  Don’t overlook a church just because there isn’t a specific singles ministry if it’s somewhere you feel you belong.  You never know what opportunities they may have that will give you an even better experience.

So based on my experience, are you wondering what I would do if I had to look for a church and get involved again as a single?

I would have searched for a church that values individuals regardless of their age or status.  From the pulpit of my church singles are addressed as equally as married couples. I’ve seen people from all walks and stages of life share their journeys on Sunday mornings and I know that whether my contribution was made as a single women or a mother of three, I am valued.

I would have looked for a church with a strong women’s ministry and I would have gotten involved.  I know a complaint from singles is that a lot of women’s ministries speak more to wives and mothers but isn’t that what a lot of us want to be?  Maybe being part of that ministry would give us food for thought and better prepare us for what we hope the future holds.  And think about this…if all the singles got involved with their gender specific ministries, then you WOULD be meeting other singles in the church.  Also, churches tend to vary their studies or even offer multiple studies so even if every so often the focus is on wives, a strong ministry will also have biblically based studies.  Also, don’t count out making friends/mentors with those of a different generation.  Sometimes, those can be the richest of relationships.  (And for those really wanting to meet someone, you never know when you’re going to make a good impression on some cute guy’s mother and she’ll just insist that her son meet you…hey, it worked for me! Hmm…guess I haven’t told that story yet…okay, that’s for another time…)

I would have gotten more involved with the church in general – whether serving in a ministry sooner, volunteering on projects with the church or going on a mission trip.  Any of these options would have allowed me to meet people.  Because the Bible study made me feel awkward, I didn’t go to any of the other singles events even though I actually enjoyed them and met a few people.  I should have been okay going to some things and not everything.

Something I don’t regret and would totally recommend doing as a single person is volunteering outside the church as well.  It gave me something to do with my weekends, it actually helped me with my professional life and I met some amazing people.  (Also contributed to how I met my husband.)



With all that begin said, I do believe the church has a responsibility to minister to singles.  They are part of the body and just as valuable as anyone else.  However, I don’t think this means churches have to have singles groups, they just need to act with as much intention toward a single person as they would with a married couple.  So if a single person were to ask, “What do you have for singles?”  The response is not, “Oh, well, um…I don’t know that we do have anything.” (Which is something I heard from more than one church when I visited the information center after seeing information for singles online).  A welcoming response would be, “We have an awesome women’s (or men’s) ministry and that’s where we encourage everyone to get involved regardless of age or status.  It’s a wonderful mix of people.  Right now, they are studying Proverbs. We also have lots of opportunities for you to serve in the church, there’s a food pantry where you can volunteer….” and whatever else! Or even better, introduce me to someone who is warm, welcoming and single (and preferably the same gender).  There’s nothing worse than finding something about singles online and getting all excited and then realizing that it was all just and outdated web page.  Let me know right away that I’m going to be able to find somewhere to go and ways to be involved.  Let me know I will be valued.

I believe each church needs to decide if a singles ministry is something they should invest in. If you feel there needs to be a singles ministry in your church, I believe it needs to have the same support that any other ministry in the church has.  Don't let a singles group only be supported and led by singles.  In my experience, it's going to come to an end with one of those inevitable issues that tend to happen.  There needs to be a minister, pastor or couple who are a key part of the leadership team to ensure that there is a continuance (as there is in youth groups - the kids who are leaders graduate but with the youth pastor in place, the ministry continues).  Ensure that things taking place (whether it be a Bible study, social outing or casual get together) happen regularly and not sporadically.  It's hard to go out with a group, have a good time and then have nothing else going on for a month or two.  By then, I've probably moved on.  But, those are just my thoughts. As I said, each church needs to decide what is best in their situation.

If you came here hoping that I had a solution for how churches should incorporate singles, I’m sorry to disappoint. If you came here hoping I had the solution for how you could meet someone special at church, maybe I planted a seed for how you could find someone somewhere other than the singles group. ;)  However, if nothing else, maybe this has given you a chance to evaluate how you’ve been “Church Shopping.”  Instead of asking, how is this church going to serve me as a young, single person (or even a married person!)?  Try asking yourself: How can I connect to others, where can I serve and is this a place I will grow and thrive regardless of my life stage?

I know there are those who have issues with the church. The church is not perfect; it’s flawed, humans are involved.  This is not a critique toward any church specifically or the church in general. I’m just sharing my experience and what I would change with the hope that maybe it will help someone.

Singles in the Church: Part 2

If you haven’t yet, take a look at Singles in the Church: Part 1.

Okay, continuing onto my personal experience…

Looking back, I realize the way I approached "Church Shopping" when I was single was pretty misguided and if I could go back and change the way I "did" church when I was single, I totally would.

After college I took part in an internship at my church.  In response to a question that essentially asked what might be offered in the future for young adults, I heard a pastor say that the focus of their church was "young families."  Being a twenty-something single woman, I suddenly felt less welcome.  I realize his answer may not have been received as it was intended, but how am I supposed to grow and be fully engaged somewhere that doesn't purport to care about someone my age? (Unless I’ve got some bling and the future potential for a bun in the oven and then they wanted me! {Okay, maybe I’m still a little jaded by that experience, but I think some of you empathize})  

So some Sundays I went to my old church because I was still committed to serving and but I was visiting other churches as well.  Then suddenly, I was contacted because my old church had a generous couple who had adult children who were interested in helping start a young-adult small group.  They had agreed that once the group was on its feet, they would step back and let us continue on.  I jumped at the opportunity and a very strong singles group was formed that represented at least five different churches (totally a God thing).  I made great friends, we had fun outings, we met up with singles groups from other churches and our focus was on the study.  It was amazing!  We didn’t do the "Jesus was single too" or "How to be a Whole Person While Waiting for Your Other Half" type of studies (I know those studies have their merit and that some benefit greatly from them, but quite honestly, I enjoyed delving into other topics. And the few times I did attend a study with that sort of topic it usually got, well, depressing.).  Wondering what happened to this amazing group?  It fell prey to one of the inherent “issues” that ends singles groups...marriage…and without further support from the church, the group dissolved.  The end of this group was what finally truly sent me "Church Shopping."

I wanted to find a church where felt like I was part of something and I wanted friends.  No, really. (Yeah, I heard you say "Riiiiiight. Maybe ‘friends’ of the male persuasion.”) I really was happy being single. A relationship would have been great, but really, I just wanted some people to connect with who were in my stage of life.

That sent me on a mission - to find a church with a thriving young adult group.  Because they have to be out there!

Okay.

Did I give you enough time to guffaw and roll your eyes?  I mean really.  If you have EVER looked for a church with a great young adult group, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I decided to look at church websites to find churches had anything for singles or young adults.  I was able to find a few that vaguely mentioned the words "Young Adult," "Career" or "Singles."  However, dig a little deeper or visit the church and you quickly realized the group is now defunct (a MySpace page with the last picture posted in 2003?), a "group for those in college and early twenties" (read freshman in college whose parents are making them come because they are home), mixed generations (10 people ranging from 18 to 40), for single parents (not quite the "looking to go out on the weekends and talk about the cute guy with some new friends" demographic I was looking for), and...well...you get the picture.

What was the end result of my searching?  I found a church with a singles ministry, but in the end, I didn't really get involved with it.  The group ended up being one that had "mixed ages" for the study (with boys and girls, excuse me, women and men not allowed to sit at the same tables) and while the people were nice and the study was not single focused, I just couldn't get over the Jr. High vibe of men and women not being able to study together (yes, I understand not everyone is comfortable sharing in mixed groups, but it was very awkward when the study ended and I noticed that women and men still weren't talking to each other).  I did go to lunch after church a time or two and did a service project and it was fine, but it just never "clicked."  I will give it to them though.  They were actually doing something to create a singles community within the church.  They also divided the groups by generations for some events (while allowing those close in age to a different generation to go to the one that “wasn’t quite theirs” if that’s where they were most comfortable).  There was even a singles minister for a while.  For the church as a whole, the worship was spot on and I learned from the teaching so I stayed.  I'm glad I did.

Gratefully, I realize I ended up in a church that was everything I needed; I just ended up there for the wrong reasons (ie - making friends and meeting people vs. seeking a church where I would grow and do my part to serve).  Isn’t it wonderful how God can still direct us if we’re honestly seeking Him even if we don’t see the true plan?

Okay, so again, this post is probably long enough but I’m not quite done.  I still want to share why I think my approach to “Church Shopping” and church itself was a bit selfish and misguided and what I would do differently so there will be another post coming soon. 

I know there are those who have issues with the church. The church is not perfect; it’s flawed, humans are involved.  This is not a critique toward any church specifically or the church in general. I’m just sharing my experience and what I would change with the hope that maybe it will help someone.

Singles in the Church: Part 1

Based on the title, you already know this is a deeper topic then I've delved into before on my blog but the hubs and I were chatting yesterday and I realized, I have something I want to share.  And I never thought I’d write a post with multiple parts but this post would be waaaay too long without it.

I think in some ways, the current set up of the church has led us to expect there to be something for us when we’re young and single.  There is the nursery, then children’s church, then youth group, then we “graduate” from youth group and (often but not always) go to college.  If you are in a college town, chances are you will find a church that (at least during the school year) has a college group. During the summers, you go home and you see all your youth group friends at church.  Then you graduate college and you just naturally expect there to be a group just for single young adults.  We don’t just comfortably assimilate into the church as an adult. (I mean, I’m 27, married and still don’t feel very adult at times, so how was I supposed to feel like an adult at 21?)  We want to be able to connect to people in our life stage, which is totally natural! However, we want this with minimal effort.  We just want there to be another group for us.  This seems to provide a quandary for many churches.  How do you minister to this demographic?

Young adult singles as a larger presence in the church is still a rather new phenomenon. It's only in recent years that so many people are remaining single until they are older.  Whatever the reason for the shift, churches still haven't quite figured out what to do with those "Young Adult College and Career Singles." The options range from “pretend they don’t exist and maybe they’ll go away because they just want to change things” to the less common occurrence of hiring a singles minister and developing a plan for how to reach singles in every stage (single, divorced, widowed).  Often, even if a church does get something going, there are a few inherent “issues” with singles groups:

• Singles go to singles groups to meet other singles.  When singles meet, relationships are bound to form.  If the relationship doesn't work out, both parties usually feel awkward returning to a group when their only purpose was to meet other singles and so they don't return.  Leaving two people searching for a new church - despite how much they may have felt like they were growing and being fed in the church
• Singles meet and it goes really well.  They get married.  They leave the group.  This is great…for them.  But it seems the ones who get married were the ones who were keeping things going so once they're married and they want to connect with other married couples (as they should) and leave the group, there isn’t a clear leader.  (Not to mention the fact that while dating, the couple has the awkward task of being happily in love while attempting to not rub it in the faces of those that wish they were them...which is usually unsuccessful to some degree).
• Remembering why many go to church singles groups, the focus isn’t really on what’s being studied.  You worry more about your makeup than the verse you were supposed to memorize, the guy you think is cute keeps talking to that cute girl so does that mean he likes her and the new guy comes in and suddenly all the girls are flocking to him. You get the picture.  The focus is off.  It’s not about connecting to God with others in your life stage, it’s about hoping to meet that special someone.
• The  group is awesome and it grows.  The people who get married don’t want to leave the group so they stay.  The group grows and young adults regardless of marital status start joining the group.  The group turns into an awesome young adult group.  The couples have kids. Non-young-adults start joining the group. This group evolves into a new church body.

This is just my perspective, of course, but based on my experience and the experience of others out there they seem to be rather common outcomes.  This is not to say there aren’t successful singles ministries but they take work and a solid, consistent commitment from the church.

I’m not saying that I don’t think singles groups are good.  I they can serve a great purpose and there’s no reason that people shouldn’t be ministered to in every stage of life.  However, I think that sometimes we, as individuals, are more focused on looking for a singles group than seeking a church where we can be a productive member.

So, that’s quite a bit for now, so I’ll delve into my personal experience soon.

I know there are those who have issues with the church. The church is not perfect; it’s flawed, humans are involved.  This is not a critique toward any church specifically or the church in general. I’m just sharing my experience and what I would change with the hope that maybe it will help someone.